starshinecruzer

That old t.v. show The Prisoner, they had it right. A man is his own warden, he builds his own walls, forges the bars that hold him back. He can convince himself there's nothing he can do, no place he can go, no one...who will love him. People look at me and see the above-average. Smart, capable, etc etc etc. But I don't let them see the chaos. I open up to someone and they're consoling, happy even. At first. But over time they start to see me as a freak. Why? they ask. What can I tell you? I don't want to be like this, but I am. But you can change. they say. Of course I can, and I do. But I don't know what I'm supposed to change into. Oh

I've been in a strange place creatively the last few weeks. More ideas are coming to me but I can't seem to focus on them. It's almost as if my energy is incoherent now, splashing against the wall rather then focused into a steady stream. Sex usually knocks me out of my stupor when I feel like this, but I'm single and really not interested in dating right now. And it's probably my fault but I never really cultivated a FWB; I sound like a teenage girl when I say this but I always felt like that kind of relationship cheapened lovemaking. New York was stimulating. I caught up with Mike, Nick, and even Amy. I think she thought I'd be more shock

Why I migrate here to journal about relationships is beyond me. Perhaps it's because one special kind of pairing first came together for me on Deviant Art, a set of partners I envy more than I ever realized before. It's so easy to go on a date, fall in love, live together. But when one goes out and searches for someone not just to share their lives with but to share...their minds...is it to ambitious? I can say with modesty I am dynamic, a thinker and a man who looks at the world and wants to take it apart, see what makes it tick. It's made me hungry and I like that appetite driving me forward to embetter myself. My path has taken me to man